From the Heart

Hello all,

What I'm about to write is very personal.

Please, no one take this post the wrong way. I'm not trying to get a pity party out of anyone. I'm not trying to talk like I know anything about life or death for that matter. I just know how I feel...

And this is it.

Most people who know my family or keep up with my blog know that my dad died last year of cancer. Actually, it was one year ago on the 9th. And honestly, time has seemed move quickly and not at all since his passing.

As I've said before, for those who have lost loved ones...you know the pain. It's a terrible gut wrenching pain you don't really understand until it happens to you. It's like the worst torture to the heart and the greatest confusion to the mind. Whether you believe in heaven or not, it's nice to know that a loved one is done suffering. Yet at the same time you're upset. You want them to suffer more just so YOU could have one more day with them. You don't admit that. Why would you? It's such a cruel thought. But you feel it was cruel of the world to take your loved one from you. You're angry at people; doctors, nurses, yourself. You feel as though any of them could've made a difference.

If you would have just saw the signs earlier. They seem so obvious after it's all said and done...

You want to be comforted. You want to be told that it's okay. But,  at the same time you want to be left alone, and just hide from the world. You want to wallow in self-pity because at the moment it's so much simpler than accepting the truth and  moving on.

They say that there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Well, they left one stage out: Emptiness.

Because honestly, if you lose a loved one, be it your dog, your mom, brother, sister, aunt, friend...you're never going to feel completely whole again. And that pain, while it may dull, won't go away.

Luckily though, you always have people who care. And they're there for you.

They walk with you, let you talk things out, give a shoulder to cry on. You won't feel whole again, because the person who died will always have a piece of your heart. But, there are always other's out there to help make their pieces of your heart feel content. To help you see that they need you as much as you need them.

And that, my friends, is where you'll find peace with life after the loss of a loved one. Heaven knows my friends and family came together to help out after my dad's death. And I couldn't be more grateful to them for it.

I miss my dad on a daily basis. I still expect to go home sometimes and just sit down and chat with him like I used to. But it won't happen. Instead, I get to go home and have dinner with my mom. I get to talk to my friends or siblings who are more than willing to help out with any problems I have in my life. They may not understand what I'm dealing with sometimes, but they try their hardest to figure it out.

And for that I'm truly grateful.

 

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.” ~ Williams Penn

The Nervous Traveler

I'm at it again.

I was away from this blog for so long...mostly due in part to the fact that I forgot my password and didn't care to take the time to get it replaced (although it only takes about 5 minutes or less to do so). But here I am.

I honestly will try to be more consistent this time with my blog posts, especially with my trip coming up. Only 5 more weeks and I will basking under the sun in the good old mountains of Switzerland. To say I'm excited is an understatement.

We will be traveling from Chicago to Zurich....

I've never left the states before. Ever. So this will be my first trip flying internationally. So while I'm extremely excited to be flying to Europe, I'm also extremely nervous. Not about the flight though, or the fact that we'll be in a different country where we know no German (we have our own personal translator, I think we'll be okay). But simply getting on the flight and making sure we have everything is my big stress factor.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who does this or not, but it seems like every time I go on a trip I will forget something that I wish I would've had with me. Even if I make a list and check everything off, I still somehow forget something. Maybe it's just in my nature to be like that, who knows.

So, in my case, I've made two list's. A physical hand written copy that I've put in my suitcase till the time comes, and I've made a list on my phone for that day. Hopefully that helps me out a tad bit.

It's just so weird in terms of packing...

For those who don't know, European outlets are completely different from our own. Basically if I were to plug my phone into an outlet over there it would fry it because of the voltage difference....that is if I could even plug my phone into the wall. The outlets also look completely different. We wouldn't be able to plug our devices into the wall anyway...

So that means no hairdryer, phone charger, straightener....no electronics of any kind that I would normally take with me on a vacation.

I also have to make sure I have all of my documentation with me (passport, drivers license, etc) unless there's no way the airport is letting me on my flight. 

And while the time is quickly approaching, it also seems very far away. I feel as though time will go exceptionally fast like it has been (where did May go?!) and exceptionally slow all at the same time. 

These next couple weeks are sure to be crazy....so here's hoping they go by fast!

The Unachieveable Image

Judgment.

We live in a world full of judgmental people. We live in an age of judgmental society. No matter who you are or where you go, you are expected to act as a reasonable member of society.

Somehow over the years we have developed this "image" of what we expect people to look like. Where this image came from and who enforced it remains a mystery. But, I curse whoever did it.

Because of this image, people are constantly running through their lives questioning things about themselves that they shouldn't have to question. Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Am I too skinny? Is my voice weird? Am I wrong for liking that girl? Am I wrong for not loving myself? What should my religion be? Should I follow in the footsteps of my parents? Am I wrong for getting a tattoo? Am I wrong for believing in the cause? Who am I?

The list just goes on and on. And frankly, I can't stand it.

There's all this talk of individualism and loving yourself for who you are. I laugh at this. Not because it isn't true, and not because I don't believe in it. I whole-heartedly believe in loving yourself. But because as a society we contradict this concept SO much.

I can't say I'm perfect at it either. I'm honestly one of the biggest contradicting person you'll meet. I try to tell myself I'm not, but there are some thing's that bother me. And while they're my own demons and inner thoughts, I do also blame the world we live in that encourage my way of thinking. All the media, social websites, and down right stubborn people have made me believe that I am right in my way of thinking. I'm right to think that I have to be stick thin to feel pretty. I'm right to think that just because I'm female, I'll never be as strong as a man.

Lately, I've stepped back and taken a hard look at who I am. Throughout the last couple weeks I've made a list of things that I've done that other's think wrong or stupid. But, the things on this list are who make me...me. And as I've looked at the list over and over again, I've realized that even if I wanted to change aspects of those parts of my life, I couldn't.

I grew up and formed these aspects of my personality. Whether it was enhanced through social media or not varies on the trait.

For example, I will NEVER have the high self esteem that I wish I had. It just won't happen. Not because I don't work out, eat right, or do anything about it. I do. But because we, as a society, have made the "perfect woman/man" unachievable.

Have you ever talked to beauty queens? Donned as the most beautiful and inspiring women, they still have something about themselves that they would probably like to change. And I'll be the first to admit that I've judge them as well. I mean, they're being judged on beauty, so mine as well put in my two sense right?

Yet I would do anything to look like some of those girls. Any of those girls. ALL of them. Because truthfully, they're gorgeous. All of them in they're own way. But, someone, somewhere, would trade any of them in for an overweight, Dorito eating chick who just likes to chill at home watching TV all the time. Who's to say she's not beautiful too? Where did the line between either those begin and end?

It's the same with personality. If you're not outgoing enough, suddenly people think you're stuck up. If you're too outgoing, people think you're annoying. If you have tattoo's and dreads, people think you're unsuccessful. If you don't have any tattoo's and dress modestly people think you're a "goody-two-shoes".

Therefore, because of these judgments we miss the opportunity on meeting people that we could probably really connect with. And frankly, it's just sad. I wish the world we're different. I wish I could talk to some people, just to see WHY they do things they do. Or just to learn something about them.

No, not everyone that you meet will defy those expectations that you have created in your head. Sometimes people are exactly what you expect them to be. In my mind, if you're covered with dreads and tattoo's then you are probably a druggy who makes a living off the government. And because of that, I won't talk to you because it would be clear that we have nothing in common. That, and I just wouldn't want to get to know you. Why, would I want that kind of influence on my life?

We judge people before we even get to know them. Clearly, I know, because as I just stated, I do it. Because in our minds, we have this standard of how people should act, what they should look like, and what they should be. And whether we know it or not we compare ourselves to that image, whatever it may be. Except, it's that image, PLUS the image of what society thinks you should be too.

Hence, the unachievable image. The image that we are always trying to reach, because there is always something off about us that we want to change because you don't want to be like those "other" people.

It bugs me and I wish we could break free of such a state. I wish the unachievable image was more along the lines of "Here's who you are. You are unique. Enjoy it."

I wonder how the world would be then?

You're your own worst Enemy

Hello everyone,

Well, I didn't post as I had wanted to last week, so I'll make up for that lost time now.

I said I would make this blog partially about my life while still incorporating my exercise into it as well. And that's just what I intend to do. So, this is the exercise part.

I've been exercising and trying to eat better for the past month or so. I've gained weight, mostly because I do strength training rather than cardio (Don't get me wrong, I do cardio too, but I seriously hate running. So my cardio consists of numerous jumping jacks, jump rope, and other various forms).

They tell you not to focus on the number on the scale, especially if you're hoping to gain muscle (which I am). But, let's be honest, that number on the scale sticks in your mind like a contagious song. A contagious, depressing song.

I've had my fair share of jumping on and off the scale in the past and simply plopping on my bed wondering why I ever exercised in the first place. It clearly didn't help, and I didn't gain anything from it. Of course, that was before this blog was even thought of, and before I started training last year the way I did.

Anyway, my point is, it's easy to lose focus and become depressed about the number on the scale. That's why a lot of experts suggest to not hop on the scale for a few weeks after you start exercising. But I'm just one of those people that MUST know. For who knows why, I'm not sure. A subconscious presence basically just screams at me just to look, and so I do.

If I weren't exercising and eating better, I would become depressed by the number on the scale. It's not like I haven't made progress, but it's definitely not the progress I wanted to see.

BUT, I AM exercising, and I AM eating better. So even when I step on the scale and see that number, I really focus more on how I feel. Which is SO hard to do the first two weeks of beginning exercise because you basically feel like shit and wonder who the hell does this to themselves.

And, if I'm being completely honest, I hopped on that scale the first two days after I exercised and was depressed I hadn't lost ANY weight. My body was sore, and I felt like I could've fallen over with every given step (I still feel that way after exercising sometimes). So, clearly since I felt so horrible, it meant I had dropped at least a pound or so.

It's completely silly and ridiculous to think that way, but I did. And, when you have that frame of mind, it's so hard to stay focused on exercising when you set your expectations to such an unrealistic level. Listen, unless you have that kind of money to go out and  decide to have liposuction on your body, you will NEVER SEE immediate results. You'll feel them, but wont see them.

I'm not gonna lie, I've scoured the internet for work out programs, and along the way I've read more articles on working out than I can remember. But, some of those tips/motivations I would like to share for all those who are struggling and depressed with continuing you're exercise routines.

1 If you have to look at the scale, look at it in the morning, not before you go to bed. A lot of people know this, but for those who don't, your weight DOES fluctuate during the day. You didn't eat for 6 to 8 hours because you were sleeping. Of course your weight is gonna be different after a day of moving around and EATING. So better to hop on the scale before the day begins rather than when it ends.

2. Endurance! You will feel like crap after the first day you do intensive exercise. The good thing about it is, you're body adjusts and becomes used to the movement. So, the next time you exercise, you won't feel as bad. You'll be sweaty and look like a hot mess still, but you're body will feel GOOD after the next time. Not terrible. So that's something to look forward to.

3. You build muscle to get that six pack, so expect weight to go up. Just always remember, muscle weight more than fat. So instead of focusing on the number, focus on how much better you fit into those pants you just got. (I always feel that even if I haven't lost weight, I still look better in jeans than I did the day before. Like that little cellulite patch, just got a little bit smaller. Take that Cellulite!)

4. Losing a pound may not seems like a lot, but trust me, it is.

The above picture proves my point. That is 1 pound of solid fat. (You'll feel pretty good about losing a pound from now on won't you?)

5. Don't feel guilty if you can't do that exercise, cause more than likely, not a lot of other people can do it either. The Jillian Michaels video I have has variations of exercises you can do if you can't do that full on form of a side plank lunge with a kick step karate chop....Okay, so I made that up, but some things I stare at and am like, "So, she's a beast and I'm her prey. Show me another way." Luckily the interest is full of variations of different exercises you can do. And again, the cool part about your body is, eventually it'll be strong enough that you'll be able to do that "Beast form" as I like to call them. Till then, just work on building up your strength/endurance.

Finally,

6. Don't give up! You're body is yours to control. It will listen to you, learn the techniques, and build itself up to be able to do the exercises that you want to do. And it will eventually mold itself into what you want it to look like. You just gotta work at it.

I'm sure there's a lot more things other's could add to this list, but I just wanted to keep it short, sweet, and motivated.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Beards, beards, and more beards.

Hello all,

This post is going to be short and sweet, mostly because I just had to write about it and let everyone know what happened.

As I said in my last blog, I had a lot going on this past weekend with a "Beard Competition" that I was in.

It was hosted at the Figure 8 Brewery in Valparaiso, IN by a local group called "The Bearded Avengers". I honestly went to the this thing thinking it was going to be lame, but it actually turned out to be really fun! I met a lot of great people and saw a ton of awesome beards (on men and women alike!).

Also...I ended up winning 1st place in the fake beard category! I was so excited! My brother also ended up winning in his category, which was Full beard. I honestly had so much fun that I decided to do another competition of the sort coming in May. Of course, with a whole new beard design!

Unfortunately, my whole costume started to fall apart before we even left the brewery (thank goodness it made it through the initial judging), so it would be out of the question to use it again. And honestly I don't feel like fixing it up. But, I'm hoping this new beard concept I have will put my old beard to shame.

Here's to a whole lot of hard work and buying supplies!

Also, some pictures from the competition.

 

Me and my brother after the competition. We had both just won and were smiling, but you really can't tell in this pic.

 

Me in front with the other two winners. I loved their beards as well.

 

Jeremy and his friend. They were both announced as "Best in show" and had a face off to see who the audience liked more. My brother won, which was also pretty cool!

 

And finally my trophy which I brought home and happily put on display. Now everyone can see that I won a beard competition.

 

 

For those who are interested, the group who hosted the show has a facebook page which you can click on in the link below. There are more pictures from the competition on there. Go and like it and support the bearded community of Northern Indiana.

 

https://www.facebook.com/TheBeardedAvengers

 

Also there's a youtube video of the whole event which I have copied a link to for anyone interested in viewing that.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBP-ZvDmCfc&feature=youtu.be

 

 

Anyway, that was pretty much my weekend. Went to Valparaiso, won a fake beard competition, and had a good time doing it!

 

I actually wanted to hit on some causes that I'm supporting at the moment, but I'll discuss that next time I'm on here.

 

Have an awesome week all!

Life as we know it.

Hello again all,

I bet you thought I forgot about this blog. Well, I didn't!

Life has been busy. In the past couple months I've told myself, "I'm just going to sit down and write a blog entry."

It never happened. I always ended up getting busy or just not wanting to do it because in my training I wasn't making that much progress.

With that said, I've come to realize I want to broaden the horizons of my blog. I'll still post about fitness on it every now and again. But, I don't want it to be the full purpose of my blog. I want to show the struggles of life, the epiphanies I seem to have about some things, and share advice and adventures I'm going to be going on.

My adventures won't be that much different from any average American, I'm sure. There are probably people out there who live much more exciting and luxurious lives than I do. But, we all take in our own experiences differently. We all want different things out of life.

So, I'll just simply use this blog for my own musings.

Anyway, getting away from all of that...I would like to reflect on the last couple months.

I can actually sum it up in one word. SNOW. Nothing but endless cold and snow.

I've never liked snow, and I especially hate the cold. This winter, however, has seemed more brutal than past ones. So, I've been stuck in a very tedious cycle that includes going to work, coming home, and doing any exercise and/or project inside.

I like to stay busy, but if I can't find anything stimulating to do, I'll usually exercise and then go straight to playing video games. I love video games. A lot of people say it's bad for you, just sitting there killing things. I find that whole "playing video games makes people more violent" theory silly. I don't want to kill people afterward any more than I did when I sat down. Of course, we all react to things differently, so I suppose someone may be effected by the violence of them...but I'm not one.

I've also been busy with getting everything around for my passport. In July I plan to travel to Switzerland for a week and stay with a foreign exchange student my sister had last year. I'm very excited for this opportunity. I've traveled a lot within the US, but I've never traveled outside the country. I'm extremely excited about seeing her and seeing Switzerland, but there's also a small part of me excited to be the foreigner for once in my life.

I've thought about getting a Rosetta Stone set and learning some German before I go, but I'm not sure I could learn enough between now and then to really help me out much. Especially since in Switzerland they speak a different form of German. But, who knows, I'm still on the fence about that investment.

In the meantime, I'll just focus on getting my passport and scheduling the flight while I impatiently wait for Spring to make it's appearance. At this point, it doesn't seem like it's ever going to be warm here again. Especially with the weather man predicting another snow storm this weekend. I really do think mother nature hates the Northern status.

And the snow storm has such bad timing, as I'm suppose to be in a fake beard competition this weekend. I'll post pictures of it later, but my theme is jungle princess. I'm not going to give away my designs, but I think the whole costume looks pretty cool. Here's hoping I at least place in the competition. Fingers crossed.

Just a little thought for the day. Have an awesome weekend!

 

The Bigger Picture

I imagine myself running down the beach....

Free spirited...hair blowing in the breeze.......

My body is phenomenal...just how I always wanted....

I'm tan....I'm smiling....I am for the first time, happy with myself....
...............................................................................................................................................................

That was a dream I had the other night. A dream that included so many emotions in it, I was almost certain it was real. I dream practically all the time, but never with such strong emotion...I was a little stunned when I woke up. I wasn't sure where I was. I had just been on a beach, and now I was in a cold dark room...my bedroom.

I actually, in a way, despise those dreams. Not only do they take you a minute to gather yourself and make your mind realize that you were dreaming, but they also dismay you once you realize that your reality isn't at all like your dream.

But, at the same time, I love those dreams. They give you hope. They give you a sense of what you could have and/or be. They inspire you. Persuade you. They can utterly change you're view of something so much so that you just develop this urge to follow it....

I mean look at what Martin Luther King's dream inspired him to do....

Not that I need the persuasion to exercise....but that feeling I had. That feeling of complete happiness with MYSELF....that's what I want to have.

By the time I'm done with this training that's what I want to achieve. That feeling of happiness. That feeling of accomplishment. Knowing that I was able to make my body look like that....

That's what I want. What I strive for.

I would like to point out though, that in order for my dream to be complete, I have to grow my hair out, and get tan....so just two other things that have to happen before my dream is complete.

My ventures so far have been hard to say the least. I've exercised twice last week. Pitiful? Perhaps. But my muscles are not use to that kind of exertion yet. Which, is depressing because back when I was actively at it, I could do a full half hour of working out and go running without feeling any pain (this was after a full 2 weeks of working at it though).

When it comes to wanting to exercise, a lot of people say that there are no limitations to what you put your mind to....which in a sense is true. If you push yourself hard enough, there are no limitations...however you must also listen to your body. If it's too tired to be pushed any further, you could end up hurting yourself....which could in turn lead you to never want to work out again.

So, I just listened to my body, and relaxed it until I was able to walk without limping. Or lift my arm without searing pain running through it. Ugh.....

So this week, hopefully I'll be able to do a little bit more. Push myself a little bit harder...

While, some days I know it doesn't always seem worth the exercise your putting forth, it's important to always think of the bigger picture. How much you're helping yourself. Your health. And remembering that dream that you have of yourself. Of that happiness you'll have once you're there.

If you aren't happy with yourself....you have to think...what's holding you back?

Some inspiration, I recently read an article about a woman who lost her arms during a fire....she is now a female body builder. You can look it up if you want. But just think, if she can do it....why can't you?

Anyway, my stats for today:

Weight: 142 (so a bit of a jump from when I WAS exercising. Oh well....)

Endurance: Pretty terrible at this point

And my new added stat is...

Self Esteem: Low, but it's a work in progress. (This is more mental than physical. Hopefully becoming more active will help fix that).

Have a good week everyone!!

-Kala