A letter to myself at 16

Dear Me,

As I'm writing this letter, I'm shocked to think about how quickly almost 7 years have come and gone. I say almost because while I'm at the peaking point of 23, I'm not quite there yet.

It's funny, really. You're perception of life has changed drastically. I know very well at 23 you thought you would be getting married, settling down, maybe thinking about starting a family. It seemed like a good age to start doing all of that back then.

You were very wrong.

While I'll admit, I've learned a lot over the course of 7 years, I'm not any wiser now than I was back then. You thought you'd have everything figured out, and that from 23 on up, your path would be fairly simple. And while life is fairly simple at this point, you have nothing figured out. In fact you're made blatantly aware of this with each passing day.

But that's okay, because at 23 you still have a lifetime ahead of you.

The worries that you have now, are silly compared to what you deal with later.

Yes, you do graduate school. It was stressful, and you pulled a couple all-nighters senior year to get some projects done but you do it.

You do end up going to prom, but it's not near as magical or entertaining as people had it hyped up to be. In fact, you end up completely skipping it your senior year to go on a trip to Florida instead. Frankly, the Florida trip has better memories than prom ever will.

You'll date before you graduate. And you'll think you love the guy, but honestly, you have no idea what love is. However, trying to convince you of that now is silly. You need this experience. You need the impending heart break, so you know that pain. And believe me, you'll get your heart broke before your first year of college. But don't worry, time heals all wounds.

You've heard, and will continue to hear how college is full of experimentation. You hear of people going to parties and getting drunk. Doing drugs just to see what it's like. And you turn your nose up at it because you think you won't do any of that. That you'll be a good kid and that you won't fall victim to such "destructive acts" as you once labeled them.

You are so naïve.

You hit a rebellious streak. Sneaking out, drinking, experimenting with illegal things....it kind of becomes part of you for awhile. Anything dangerous or "taboo" in society, you decide at this point that you want to try. And you do.

The only thing I commend and at the same time condemn you for, is how well you keep all of this rebellion under wraps. Unless you were around the people you were doing these "bad acts" with, no one knew. In fact, lying became quite a remarkable talent of yours.

And frankly, it's sad you got to that point. I would like to convince you that none of that makes any of the pain of a break-up any easier. That you should still keep those morals you went into college with. But, that's easier said than done.

You end up meeting another guy eventually, and you fall head over heels with him. You are convinced at one point when you're with him that you will spend the rest of your life with him, and you start planning this unimaginable future with him.

You end spending almost 4 years with him. And within those 4 years, a LOT of things change.

You'll go through the hardest time of your life at 21 when you find out that you're dad has cancer.  It becomes terminal, and you get to watch as part of your world comes crumbling to a bitter, tragic end. THAT'S when you discover a lot about yourself.

You discover true, heart-breaking pain. You discover the comfort of friendship. You discover the comfort of family. You discover the value of God in your life....

And you being to realize that everything you thought you had figured out....you're hopes, dreams, ambitions....they aren't what you want at all. You sit down one day and stare at a mirror for a good hour crying, looking at yourself and wondering why everything that seemed so simple, was now upside down. Why, now, more than ever, you feel at a total and complete loss in your life.

June 9, 2013...you'll remember that date always. The day your dad passed away. The day everything begins to change.

You move back in with your mom, at first convinced just to help with bills. But eventually you realize it's to seek comfort from someone who's hurting just as much as you. And during that time of mourning, you realize that you life really is too short. Even though you've been told that a million times, for some reason, it just sinks in even more now.

2014 brought so much change. You decide to spend money and travel overseas just like you always dreamed. You....and allow me to emphasize YOU, break up with that guy you had been dating for 4 years. It's hard, and you're upset about it. And for awhile you wonder if you made the right decision. But, trust me, you did.

So, while you may not be married with kids in your own house like you wanted to be. At the current moment in life, I'd say you're exactly where you need to be. Which honestly, a house, kids, and married is no where near where you're at. So how about just getting that idea out of you're head till you're like 30. Okay?

Okay.

The Year of Change

As 2014 slowly comes to an end and Christmas just around the corner, I'm awestruck as to how much change has happened this year.

I've been incredibly blessed all year to venture off and do all sorts of things that I never imagined I would do in my life.

I won a beard competition, with my brother.

You can decide who's beard was better. Personally, I feel mine has a more creative touch rather than just all natural feel like his. But, who am I to judge?








I finally decided to go on pinterest and look up some insane activities for the summer. Probably the most ridiculous yet fun idea that came out of it was....

                                                              
                                                                 PAINT TWISTER!!

While messy and slippery, this is definitely something I recommend to everyone who wants to do something wild and crazy this coming summer. Definitely a family activity now to do at my brothers house.

I got to see, not one, but TWO of my nieces graduate this year.

 

 

I got to travel to Europe to go and visit my other niece. :) A once in a lifetime experience that I had only dreamed one day of doing. And when I say dream, I thought I would be 30 before I even had enough money to think about traveling outside the US. So, I was exceptionally happy I was able to do this so early in life.

 

 

 

When I got back home from Europe, my brother convinced me to join in a demolition derby. Which I won!!!!!!!

 

 
 

 

 

 And finally to finish out the year, and post about something I haven't already mentioned in my blog, I decided to invest in and early Christmas present this year for my mom.

 

 

 

I bought a plane ticket for the both of us and flew out to Boston to visit my cousin that lives out there. It was such an amazing trip and full of so much history.

 

 

I've also had a lot of other changes in my life as well. Breaking up with a boyfriend, dating again, becoming closer to my friends, watching the birth of on my best friends children be born....

 

So, I have a lot to be grateful for this Christmas. I've been blessed in so many ways, and I can't wait to see what the new year will bring!

 

Have a Merry Christmas everyone!!!!!!!

Thanksgiving

Ahh, Thanksgiving...

I thoroughly enjoy this time of the year. Mostly because I can pig out on food pretty much all week long and not get judged for it. But, also because I get to spend time with my family.

I've been on social media a lot more recently. The weather here hasn't exactly been motivating me to get up and do something productive with my life after work. I know, that's probably the lamest excuse in the world, but it's the truth. Thus, I become an expert during the winter time at scrolling social media and online shopping centers for stuff that would make my mundane life at least a little more interesting.

With that said, I've been noticing a lot of people doing the "What I'm Thankful For" challenge. If you haven't seen it, it's basically a challenge where you pick a certain amount of days and post a picture of something you're thankful for on that day. I've seen the number of days range anywhere between 100 to 4....

Honestly, I like the concept. Mostly because I'm nosy and like seeing what people might be enjoying in their life, but also because it gives you a sense of simplicity. I saw one person post a picture of a flower and wrote, "Today I'm thankful for the beauty on this earth."

Another person took a picture of their fridge and wrote, "Today, I'm thankful I can eat my own food, in my own home."

The list could go on and on.

Of course, if you look further into these pictures, you always have the cynic who chimes in to say, "You should be thankful for this more than just one day a year..."

This, is where I'd like to jump in and smack someone right on the dome. We have Thanksgiving not just for historical significance, but to remember to give thanks for things we do have. That one day a year where we get to sit back and think of all the things we forget to be thankful for the rest of our days.

It's hard. It's hard to remember that you should be thankful for having food in your house because most of the time you're working your ass off to get that food there. It's hard to be thankful for your family because you have a hard time seeing them aside from holidays. It's hard to be thankful for your life some days, because life in general is hard. And some days, like thanksgiving, we have to be reminded as to why we should be happy to be alive.

Because, there are so many reasons to be happy. To be grateful. To be thankful for all that we are given or have worked for.

Like food.....lots of food.

I hope everyone has a wonderful and happy Thanksgiving!

Focusing on me

I'm finally updating my blog again, after centuries of being away from it.

I do have a reasoning behind it though.

See, I've delved a lot on social media and what it does. For me, personally, it's a way of being as self-absorbed as possible. To somehow etched sympathy out of people, scrounge for compliments for my pictures I post, and to generally make me feel like an over-all likeable person.

For awhile I thought I was a bad person for doing this. I mean, for one to be so self absorbed as to post about themselves and talk about themselves daily. I didn't want to be that person. I don't want to be that person. However, focusing on this fact has made me realize....everyone does it. In fact, I feel as though it's a social norm to do it now.

Perhaps it's wrong. Perhaps it's not the way to go about doing things and letting everyone know what's going on in your life. I guess that's where discretion should be put into play. But, even now, it kind of feels good to be talking just about myself again. So, therefore, I'm going to join up in this social norm again. Starting now.

I've been really busy these last couple of week focusing on work and myself.

Not too long ago, I got out of 3+ year relationship. Dealing with that sort of thing is never easy, but for me it was like a screaming wake up call that I didn't see coming.

It made me take a step back and realize that everything I had thought I wanted or didn't want was all morphed around being with this person. I mean, I know that happens with being in a relationship for so long.....

I had thought I wanted to settle down at an early age, move to south where it's warmer, travel around a bit, and just live life as it may come.

Now that I'm alone, I realize that I don't want any of that. In fact, I'm not sure what I want. And I'm completely okay with that.

I like the prospect of just doing what ever life throws at me. I do whatever I want, when I want without having to answer to anyone as to why I did it. I'm figuring out that I actually like things that I thought I hated and how close minded I've been to these experiences.

This is in no way to offend people who have decided to settle down and live their life with someone. I mean, all the more power to you for being able to make that commitment to each other.

For me though, that's just a no go. In fact, the prospect of settling down right now at only 22 years old kind of scares me shitless to be honest. Give it like 3 years and with the right person, and maybe you can catch me walking down the isle.....just maybe.

But for now, I'm good with just settling down in my bed with my xbox and playing some Destiny.

When life gets crazy....wreck a few cars.

I honestly have been so blessed this past week it's been incredible.

Last Thursday I entered into a demolition derby. In case anyone was wondering, this isn't like a racing derby...it was a full "fight to the death" scenario with vehicles. Basically we wrecked into each other until someone's car either A). Quit working/couldn't move or B). Caught on fire and then quit working.

It was intense, crazy, and a complete adrenaline rush. The craziest part about all of it though....

I won!!

I beat out nine other guys (including my own brother) and took home a nice huge trophy and $300 in spending money.

Honestly, even looking back on it now, I find it hard to believe that I even won. Some of the guys in this competition had been doing this for years (my brother for example), and little ole me won my first time around. I didn't have a strategy of anything either....I just did my own thing and hoped that my car didn't catch fire.

A lot of people kept asking beforehand if I was nervous.

But I wasn't...not really at least. I mean, I had the minor fear that my car would randomly combust on me and I'd get caught in a fiery death trap...but seriously, how absurd does that sound? Hence, why it was a minor fear.

Which brings me to my point.

As people, we seem to let fear consume us on things that we honestly shouldn't be afraid of. And out of fear, we can bring up justifiable reasoning as to why whatever we're about to do is a bad idea. I mean, don't get me wrong. There's a 50/50 chance that what you're about to do IS in fact a bad idea. But, when it comes to running a derby, skydiving, trying a new food, meeting new people.... those aren't bad ideas. They're just new. And that's scary.

Which is why I strive to overcome some of those fears. Not all, because lets face it, if I were to follow through with my plan of jumping into a pit of lions JUST so I could pet one....that would clearly be not only scary, but stupid. But to just step out and do something out of the norm. Entering a fake beard contest, doing this derby, flying to Switzerland, even just writing this blog for people to see....

All of those have different types of fears that people succumb to on a daily basis. Fear of judgment, fear of getting hurt, fear of the unknown.....yet here I am.

Not because I'm trying to prove something or "be cool". I do it, simply because I want to. Because if I don't do it now, I know I'll regret it later.

I don't want to miss out on anything like that simply because I was afraid. Fear can be overcome. Regrets are harder to deal with.

Not that I don't have any, I have plenty of things I wish I would've done when I was younger that I just refused to do. And I'm sure there will be more to come. I can't imagine going through my life and looking back thinking "I had the perfect life. No regrets."

Because lets face it, you're gonna have regrets. Big ones, small ones....they'll come. The challenge though, is to fill those regrets with even better memories.

Oh, you didn't climb that rock wall as a child. That's fine, go climb it now. Oh, you didn't have a lot friends when you were little. Go make great friends now. Oh, I didn't go to college when I should've. What's stopping you now?

Quoting the millions of people who have said it before, life doesn't stop for anyone. Every second is another minute is another hour added on to your life. Do you really want to waste it by living in fear of the what if's?

Go out, crash a couple cars, get banged up, and enjoy life. And let me know how you feel afterward :)

Generation Gap

What day is it?!

Its HUMMPP DAYY!!!

Only two more day's till the weekend, and for that I am extremely grateful.

Anyway, I'm an avid youtube watcher. And by avid, I mean, I'll usually watch it for an hour while I'm in bed because I can't fall asleep. And it seems like these past two weeks, it's been almost every night. Not that I mind. I actually quite enjoy this time to myself.

I'm also an avid gamer. I love playing video games, and not just COD either like some girls. Assasin's Creed, Left 4 Dead, Titanfall, Fable, Sims, Medal of Honor, Final Fantasy, Kindom Hearts....the list just goes on and on. They say that playing video games will inadvertently "rot your brain." Which, if this is the case, mine should be a puddle of jelly by now.

Yet, here I am.

Unfortunately, with a love of video games also comes the inability at times to not afford these video games. Or actually invest in them because you worry that they will be crap and you just spent $60.00 on a game you would rather throw in the garbage.

So, my youtube searches usually consist of me searching for others playing a game I might be interested in. I recently came across a youtuber named "Pewdiepie." He's a youtuber from Sweden who plays video games for a living while recording himself reacting to them.

It may just be my sense of humor, but the guy is hilarious. Yes, he's vulgar. Yes, he screams...a lot. But he's funny. And he incorporates that into his videos.

He has a video on his channel called: "Pewdiepie reacts to elders react to Pewdiepie."

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p-KQW-cSpoc

Here's the link for anyone interested.

That title is a mouthful, I know. But basically the video is about him watching a video of the older generation reacting to his video's. Most of the reactions are what I was expecting. They hated him. Plain and simple. Except for maybe 3 of the people featured.

It's not a surprise at all either. Like I said, he's vulgar. And what he's doing, playing video games while recording it for people to watch...it's just not what that generation was about.

Now yell, scream, disagree all you want but our "up and coming" generations, mine included, are LAZY. And yes....it's okay to call it "technologically inclined" what ever makes you happiest.

The older generations were go-getters. But because they had to be. They didn't have the technology at their feet like we do. And to the older generation reading this, you know it's true. Don't shake you're head and exit out. Just bear with me.

I think both generations, the old and young, have their ups and downs.

I really look up to the older generation for getting along without technology the way they did. I'm not gonna lie, I would be lost. Someone mine as well stick me in a bed, wrap me up tight, and leave me there for the next couple days till I can figure out how to function without everything I usually have.

That may be sad, but that's okay. I'm fully aware of my technology dependency.

Of course I'm also speaking as a personal reference. Other's in my generation, even in my friend group, would probably get along just fine without technology (and yes, you know who you are). While I know others in my "friend group" (posse, gal pals, buddies....whatever else you could call them)  would be cuddling in that bed right along with me.

That, and the vulgarity of the guys video's is a little much for some people to handle. That's also a personal reference. I am just not offended by it.

And that has nothing to do with how I was raised, where I live, etc. I was raised in a very Christian household. I respect my mom's rules about language, what I can and can't say, blah, blah, blah....

But as I've gotten older, I've morphed and become part of the society we are currently living in. We're not a bad generation. But we ARE different. And differences are hard for people to accept.

So, to react to those elders on the video criticizing this guy and asking why so many people watch it... well the answer to that is simple.

Cause we're different.

Because I don't want to buy a video game that's gonna be crap. (Again personal tastes)

Because I find his video's hilarious.

Because I can actually relate to this guy when I play games.

Because I'm a gamer.

And you might have been too if the technology was offered up to you. But it wasn't. So you aren't.

Which is good for you.

However, I would like to point out...that guy who's video is "garbage" also has 29 million subscribers that he calls his "Bro Army."

And yes, I'm a part of it.

So, even if you despise his videos....you gotta give him credit. He's doing something right.

Now if only I could figure out how to make money by doing that....

 

First Time Traveler: Learn from Experience

Hello all,

I know it's been forever since I actually updated my blog, but such is life....well my life at least.

As many know, I had it planned to go to Switzerland for a week in July. However, three weeks before I left I ended up dislocating my knee cap. Which, to my luck, put me in a knee brace that I had to wear for 8 weeks. That being said, the Dr. still gave me the go-ahead to go on my trip (with knee brace entail).

Well, I went....and the trip was AMAZING!

Switzerland was pretty much everything I had hoped it would be and then some. There were nothing but mountains and greenery everywhere! It was un-like anything I was use to seeing the states.

As many know, I was really nervous for this trip. It was the first time ever flying overseas, and I had no idea what to expect. In my mind I had made up many scenario's, all of which usually ended in my niece and I missing our flight and not getting to Switzerland/ going home.

I did a lot of research before the trip as well, planning on what to pack and what I might need in case of an emergency.

Well, now that the trip is all said and over with, I did learn quite a few things that I'll remember for future trips and will hopefully help anyone else traveling overseas for the first time.

1). Keep track of your flight.

Luckily our flight wasn't cancelled or delayed in any way on our way there and back. In fact, I believe we were early both times. However, it was crazy how much I saw flights getting delayed, which if I had been on a connecting flight, would have sucked. People were flat out RUNNING through the airport at times to catch a connecting flight that was getting ready to leave.

2). Make your suitcase stand out

At first I thought I had done a good job. I had a normal blue suitcase, and I simply put a sticker on it and scrawled my name in ink on the side. However, at baggage claim, it seemed like there were a million other suitcases exactly like mine. That and both times the suitcase had been flipped over concealing the sticker. My niece, on the other hand, has a brilliant mind. She tied a bright silver ribbon to her suitcase to make it stand out. And it worked. We usually spotted hers before mine. Something to keep in mind...

3). Airplane food isn't as bad as you think...

This might be my own personal opinion, but beforehand I had read so many horror stories about the food on the airlines. In my mind, I was expecting the meal to taste like cardboard with melted ice cream on the side. But actually, the meal was fairly decent. Pasta, chicken and rise, yogurt, coffee, lots of water....of course all this being said. It could really just depend on the airline. We flew Swiss Air....others may not be as nice.

4). Don't expect to get a lot of sleep.

Maybe if you're flying first class or business...but in coach. Forget it. I got in some light cat naps on both the way there and back, but nothing I would consider a decent sleep. Not that I was expecting it. And the airline was nice enough to provide a pillow and blanket (which helped considering our flight there was a night flight). But still....I was definitely jet lagged both going there and coming home.

5). Bring a language dictionary or get a translator....

Luckily, we had family translating for us who spoke the language. However, I can't imagine going there just out of the blue without knowing any German. Sure, in Zurich, English was common...but outside of that...like the trains...good luck. They speak English, but it's really hard to understand. Oh, and Switzerland is Swiss-German....just find a translator.

6). Don't eat out....

Or at least, don't go there with the intentions of eating out every night. Luckily, again, we stayed with family. So we had the luxury of home cooked meals, and food at our finger tips if we wanted it. But to just go to restaurant's for an entire week....well plan on taking a lot of money with you if you intend to do that. People aren't lying when they say Europe is expensive.

7).  Don't drive.

At least in Switzerland anyway. They have enough public transportation to get you from point A to point B without the hassle of driving on the roads. Plus, it was an experience all in its own to travel by the trains. Something we don't do a lot of in America.

8). Don't be afraid to try new things.

Like jumping into a river and crashing into the metal grating at the end, or any and all the food there. You'll miss out a LOT if you don't try everything a place has to offer.

9). None of these tips will fully impact you until you travel.

And, I'm following suit to the hundreds of blogs that have already listed all of these tips before. Honestly, mine aren't any different from those before except for this honest tip. You can read and re-read this a hundred times and think you're prepared. But honestly, until you just go out and do it, you won't fully understand any of them and the impact of how true they are.

Traveling, in it's own, is an experience that I would encourage everyone to get the chance to do one day. Until then, my words here, will be just words.

Anyway, I LOVED Switzerland. If it's not on one of your places to travel, I highly recommend you put it there. It's a beautiful country, and I enjoyed my entire stay there. Every city is uniquely different in it's own way. The people are friendly. And, they DO have really good chocolate.

My niece and I in Luzern, Switzerland

 

Chur, Switzerland

 

My niece Megan, Lina (our family in Switzerland), and me.

 

From the Heart

Hello all,

What I'm about to write is very personal.

Please, no one take this post the wrong way. I'm not trying to get a pity party out of anyone. I'm not trying to talk like I know anything about life or death for that matter. I just know how I feel...

And this is it.

Most people who know my family or keep up with my blog know that my dad died last year of cancer. Actually, it was one year ago on the 9th. And honestly, time has seemed move quickly and not at all since his passing.

As I've said before, for those who have lost loved ones...you know the pain. It's a terrible gut wrenching pain you don't really understand until it happens to you. It's like the worst torture to the heart and the greatest confusion to the mind. Whether you believe in heaven or not, it's nice to know that a loved one is done suffering. Yet at the same time you're upset. You want them to suffer more just so YOU could have one more day with them. You don't admit that. Why would you? It's such a cruel thought. But you feel it was cruel of the world to take your loved one from you. You're angry at people; doctors, nurses, yourself. You feel as though any of them could've made a difference.

If you would have just saw the signs earlier. They seem so obvious after it's all said and done...

You want to be comforted. You want to be told that it's okay. But,  at the same time you want to be left alone, and just hide from the world. You want to wallow in self-pity because at the moment it's so much simpler than accepting the truth and  moving on.

They say that there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

Well, they left one stage out: Emptiness.

Because honestly, if you lose a loved one, be it your dog, your mom, brother, sister, aunt, friend...you're never going to feel completely whole again. And that pain, while it may dull, won't go away.

Luckily though, you always have people who care. And they're there for you.

They walk with you, let you talk things out, give a shoulder to cry on. You won't feel whole again, because the person who died will always have a piece of your heart. But, there are always other's out there to help make their pieces of your heart feel content. To help you see that they need you as much as you need them.

And that, my friends, is where you'll find peace with life after the loss of a loved one. Heaven knows my friends and family came together to help out after my dad's death. And I couldn't be more grateful to them for it.

I miss my dad on a daily basis. I still expect to go home sometimes and just sit down and chat with him like I used to. But it won't happen. Instead, I get to go home and have dinner with my mom. I get to talk to my friends or siblings who are more than willing to help out with any problems I have in my life. They may not understand what I'm dealing with sometimes, but they try their hardest to figure it out.

And for that I'm truly grateful.

 

“They that love beyond the world cannot be separated by it. Death cannot kill what never dies.” ~ Williams Penn

The Nervous Traveler

I'm at it again.

I was away from this blog for so long...mostly due in part to the fact that I forgot my password and didn't care to take the time to get it replaced (although it only takes about 5 minutes or less to do so). But here I am.

I honestly will try to be more consistent this time with my blog posts, especially with my trip coming up. Only 5 more weeks and I will basking under the sun in the good old mountains of Switzerland. To say I'm excited is an understatement.

We will be traveling from Chicago to Zurich....

I've never left the states before. Ever. So this will be my first trip flying internationally. So while I'm extremely excited to be flying to Europe, I'm also extremely nervous. Not about the flight though, or the fact that we'll be in a different country where we know no German (we have our own personal translator, I think we'll be okay). But simply getting on the flight and making sure we have everything is my big stress factor.

I'm not sure if I'm the only one who does this or not, but it seems like every time I go on a trip I will forget something that I wish I would've had with me. Even if I make a list and check everything off, I still somehow forget something. Maybe it's just in my nature to be like that, who knows.

So, in my case, I've made two list's. A physical hand written copy that I've put in my suitcase till the time comes, and I've made a list on my phone for that day. Hopefully that helps me out a tad bit.

It's just so weird in terms of packing...

For those who don't know, European outlets are completely different from our own. Basically if I were to plug my phone into an outlet over there it would fry it because of the voltage difference....that is if I could even plug my phone into the wall. The outlets also look completely different. We wouldn't be able to plug our devices into the wall anyway...

So that means no hairdryer, phone charger, straightener....no electronics of any kind that I would normally take with me on a vacation.

I also have to make sure I have all of my documentation with me (passport, drivers license, etc) unless there's no way the airport is letting me on my flight. 

And while the time is quickly approaching, it also seems very far away. I feel as though time will go exceptionally fast like it has been (where did May go?!) and exceptionally slow all at the same time. 

These next couple weeks are sure to be crazy....so here's hoping they go by fast!

The Unachieveable Image

Judgment.

We live in a world full of judgmental people. We live in an age of judgmental society. No matter who you are or where you go, you are expected to act as a reasonable member of society.

Somehow over the years we have developed this "image" of what we expect people to look like. Where this image came from and who enforced it remains a mystery. But, I curse whoever did it.

Because of this image, people are constantly running through their lives questioning things about themselves that they shouldn't have to question. Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Am I too skinny? Is my voice weird? Am I wrong for liking that girl? Am I wrong for not loving myself? What should my religion be? Should I follow in the footsteps of my parents? Am I wrong for getting a tattoo? Am I wrong for believing in the cause? Who am I?

The list just goes on and on. And frankly, I can't stand it.

There's all this talk of individualism and loving yourself for who you are. I laugh at this. Not because it isn't true, and not because I don't believe in it. I whole-heartedly believe in loving yourself. But because as a society we contradict this concept SO much.

I can't say I'm perfect at it either. I'm honestly one of the biggest contradicting person you'll meet. I try to tell myself I'm not, but there are some thing's that bother me. And while they're my own demons and inner thoughts, I do also blame the world we live in that encourage my way of thinking. All the media, social websites, and down right stubborn people have made me believe that I am right in my way of thinking. I'm right to think that I have to be stick thin to feel pretty. I'm right to think that just because I'm female, I'll never be as strong as a man.

Lately, I've stepped back and taken a hard look at who I am. Throughout the last couple weeks I've made a list of things that I've done that other's think wrong or stupid. But, the things on this list are who make me...me. And as I've looked at the list over and over again, I've realized that even if I wanted to change aspects of those parts of my life, I couldn't.

I grew up and formed these aspects of my personality. Whether it was enhanced through social media or not varies on the trait.

For example, I will NEVER have the high self esteem that I wish I had. It just won't happen. Not because I don't work out, eat right, or do anything about it. I do. But because we, as a society, have made the "perfect woman/man" unachievable.

Have you ever talked to beauty queens? Donned as the most beautiful and inspiring women, they still have something about themselves that they would probably like to change. And I'll be the first to admit that I've judge them as well. I mean, they're being judged on beauty, so mine as well put in my two sense right?

Yet I would do anything to look like some of those girls. Any of those girls. ALL of them. Because truthfully, they're gorgeous. All of them in they're own way. But, someone, somewhere, would trade any of them in for an overweight, Dorito eating chick who just likes to chill at home watching TV all the time. Who's to say she's not beautiful too? Where did the line between either those begin and end?

It's the same with personality. If you're not outgoing enough, suddenly people think you're stuck up. If you're too outgoing, people think you're annoying. If you have tattoo's and dreads, people think you're unsuccessful. If you don't have any tattoo's and dress modestly people think you're a "goody-two-shoes".

Therefore, because of these judgments we miss the opportunity on meeting people that we could probably really connect with. And frankly, it's just sad. I wish the world we're different. I wish I could talk to some people, just to see WHY they do things they do. Or just to learn something about them.

No, not everyone that you meet will defy those expectations that you have created in your head. Sometimes people are exactly what you expect them to be. In my mind, if you're covered with dreads and tattoo's then you are probably a druggy who makes a living off the government. And because of that, I won't talk to you because it would be clear that we have nothing in common. That, and I just wouldn't want to get to know you. Why, would I want that kind of influence on my life?

We judge people before we even get to know them. Clearly, I know, because as I just stated, I do it. Because in our minds, we have this standard of how people should act, what they should look like, and what they should be. And whether we know it or not we compare ourselves to that image, whatever it may be. Except, it's that image, PLUS the image of what society thinks you should be too.

Hence, the unachievable image. The image that we are always trying to reach, because there is always something off about us that we want to change because you don't want to be like those "other" people.

It bugs me and I wish we could break free of such a state. I wish the unachievable image was more along the lines of "Here's who you are. You are unique. Enjoy it."

I wonder how the world would be then?

You're your own worst Enemy

Hello everyone,

Well, I didn't post as I had wanted to last week, so I'll make up for that lost time now.

I said I would make this blog partially about my life while still incorporating my exercise into it as well. And that's just what I intend to do. So, this is the exercise part.

I've been exercising and trying to eat better for the past month or so. I've gained weight, mostly because I do strength training rather than cardio (Don't get me wrong, I do cardio too, but I seriously hate running. So my cardio consists of numerous jumping jacks, jump rope, and other various forms).

They tell you not to focus on the number on the scale, especially if you're hoping to gain muscle (which I am). But, let's be honest, that number on the scale sticks in your mind like a contagious song. A contagious, depressing song.

I've had my fair share of jumping on and off the scale in the past and simply plopping on my bed wondering why I ever exercised in the first place. It clearly didn't help, and I didn't gain anything from it. Of course, that was before this blog was even thought of, and before I started training last year the way I did.

Anyway, my point is, it's easy to lose focus and become depressed about the number on the scale. That's why a lot of experts suggest to not hop on the scale for a few weeks after you start exercising. But I'm just one of those people that MUST know. For who knows why, I'm not sure. A subconscious presence basically just screams at me just to look, and so I do.

If I weren't exercising and eating better, I would become depressed by the number on the scale. It's not like I haven't made progress, but it's definitely not the progress I wanted to see.

BUT, I AM exercising, and I AM eating better. So even when I step on the scale and see that number, I really focus more on how I feel. Which is SO hard to do the first two weeks of beginning exercise because you basically feel like shit and wonder who the hell does this to themselves.

And, if I'm being completely honest, I hopped on that scale the first two days after I exercised and was depressed I hadn't lost ANY weight. My body was sore, and I felt like I could've fallen over with every given step (I still feel that way after exercising sometimes). So, clearly since I felt so horrible, it meant I had dropped at least a pound or so.

It's completely silly and ridiculous to think that way, but I did. And, when you have that frame of mind, it's so hard to stay focused on exercising when you set your expectations to such an unrealistic level. Listen, unless you have that kind of money to go out and  decide to have liposuction on your body, you will NEVER SEE immediate results. You'll feel them, but wont see them.

I'm not gonna lie, I've scoured the internet for work out programs, and along the way I've read more articles on working out than I can remember. But, some of those tips/motivations I would like to share for all those who are struggling and depressed with continuing you're exercise routines.

1 If you have to look at the scale, look at it in the morning, not before you go to bed. A lot of people know this, but for those who don't, your weight DOES fluctuate during the day. You didn't eat for 6 to 8 hours because you were sleeping. Of course your weight is gonna be different after a day of moving around and EATING. So better to hop on the scale before the day begins rather than when it ends.

2. Endurance! You will feel like crap after the first day you do intensive exercise. The good thing about it is, you're body adjusts and becomes used to the movement. So, the next time you exercise, you won't feel as bad. You'll be sweaty and look like a hot mess still, but you're body will feel GOOD after the next time. Not terrible. So that's something to look forward to.

3. You build muscle to get that six pack, so expect weight to go up. Just always remember, muscle weight more than fat. So instead of focusing on the number, focus on how much better you fit into those pants you just got. (I always feel that even if I haven't lost weight, I still look better in jeans than I did the day before. Like that little cellulite patch, just got a little bit smaller. Take that Cellulite!)

4. Losing a pound may not seems like a lot, but trust me, it is.

The above picture proves my point. That is 1 pound of solid fat. (You'll feel pretty good about losing a pound from now on won't you?)

5. Don't feel guilty if you can't do that exercise, cause more than likely, not a lot of other people can do it either. The Jillian Michaels video I have has variations of exercises you can do if you can't do that full on form of a side plank lunge with a kick step karate chop....Okay, so I made that up, but some things I stare at and am like, "So, she's a beast and I'm her prey. Show me another way." Luckily the interest is full of variations of different exercises you can do. And again, the cool part about your body is, eventually it'll be strong enough that you'll be able to do that "Beast form" as I like to call them. Till then, just work on building up your strength/endurance.

Finally,

6. Don't give up! You're body is yours to control. It will listen to you, learn the techniques, and build itself up to be able to do the exercises that you want to do. And it will eventually mold itself into what you want it to look like. You just gotta work at it.

I'm sure there's a lot more things other's could add to this list, but I just wanted to keep it short, sweet, and motivated.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Beards, beards, and more beards.

Hello all,

This post is going to be short and sweet, mostly because I just had to write about it and let everyone know what happened.

As I said in my last blog, I had a lot going on this past weekend with a "Beard Competition" that I was in.

It was hosted at the Figure 8 Brewery in Valparaiso, IN by a local group called "The Bearded Avengers". I honestly went to the this thing thinking it was going to be lame, but it actually turned out to be really fun! I met a lot of great people and saw a ton of awesome beards (on men and women alike!).

Also...I ended up winning 1st place in the fake beard category! I was so excited! My brother also ended up winning in his category, which was Full beard. I honestly had so much fun that I decided to do another competition of the sort coming in May. Of course, with a whole new beard design!

Unfortunately, my whole costume started to fall apart before we even left the brewery (thank goodness it made it through the initial judging), so it would be out of the question to use it again. And honestly I don't feel like fixing it up. But, I'm hoping this new beard concept I have will put my old beard to shame.

Here's to a whole lot of hard work and buying supplies!

Also, some pictures from the competition.

 

Me and my brother after the competition. We had both just won and were smiling, but you really can't tell in this pic.

 

Me in front with the other two winners. I loved their beards as well.

 

Jeremy and his friend. They were both announced as "Best in show" and had a face off to see who the audience liked more. My brother won, which was also pretty cool!

 

And finally my trophy which I brought home and happily put on display. Now everyone can see that I won a beard competition.

 

 

For those who are interested, the group who hosted the show has a facebook page which you can click on in the link below. There are more pictures from the competition on there. Go and like it and support the bearded community of Northern Indiana.

 

https://www.facebook.com/TheBeardedAvengers

 

Also there's a youtube video of the whole event which I have copied a link to for anyone interested in viewing that.

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EBP-ZvDmCfc&feature=youtu.be

 

 

Anyway, that was pretty much my weekend. Went to Valparaiso, won a fake beard competition, and had a good time doing it!

 

I actually wanted to hit on some causes that I'm supporting at the moment, but I'll discuss that next time I'm on here.

 

Have an awesome week all!

Life as we know it.

Hello again all,

I bet you thought I forgot about this blog. Well, I didn't!

Life has been busy. In the past couple months I've told myself, "I'm just going to sit down and write a blog entry."

It never happened. I always ended up getting busy or just not wanting to do it because in my training I wasn't making that much progress.

With that said, I've come to realize I want to broaden the horizons of my blog. I'll still post about fitness on it every now and again. But, I don't want it to be the full purpose of my blog. I want to show the struggles of life, the epiphanies I seem to have about some things, and share advice and adventures I'm going to be going on.

My adventures won't be that much different from any average American, I'm sure. There are probably people out there who live much more exciting and luxurious lives than I do. But, we all take in our own experiences differently. We all want different things out of life.

So, I'll just simply use this blog for my own musings.

Anyway, getting away from all of that...I would like to reflect on the last couple months.

I can actually sum it up in one word. SNOW. Nothing but endless cold and snow.

I've never liked snow, and I especially hate the cold. This winter, however, has seemed more brutal than past ones. So, I've been stuck in a very tedious cycle that includes going to work, coming home, and doing any exercise and/or project inside.

I like to stay busy, but if I can't find anything stimulating to do, I'll usually exercise and then go straight to playing video games. I love video games. A lot of people say it's bad for you, just sitting there killing things. I find that whole "playing video games makes people more violent" theory silly. I don't want to kill people afterward any more than I did when I sat down. Of course, we all react to things differently, so I suppose someone may be effected by the violence of them...but I'm not one.

I've also been busy with getting everything around for my passport. In July I plan to travel to Switzerland for a week and stay with a foreign exchange student my sister had last year. I'm very excited for this opportunity. I've traveled a lot within the US, but I've never traveled outside the country. I'm extremely excited about seeing her and seeing Switzerland, but there's also a small part of me excited to be the foreigner for once in my life.

I've thought about getting a Rosetta Stone set and learning some German before I go, but I'm not sure I could learn enough between now and then to really help me out much. Especially since in Switzerland they speak a different form of German. But, who knows, I'm still on the fence about that investment.

In the meantime, I'll just focus on getting my passport and scheduling the flight while I impatiently wait for Spring to make it's appearance. At this point, it doesn't seem like it's ever going to be warm here again. Especially with the weather man predicting another snow storm this weekend. I really do think mother nature hates the Northern status.

And the snow storm has such bad timing, as I'm suppose to be in a fake beard competition this weekend. I'll post pictures of it later, but my theme is jungle princess. I'm not going to give away my designs, but I think the whole costume looks pretty cool. Here's hoping I at least place in the competition. Fingers crossed.

Just a little thought for the day. Have an awesome weekend!

 

The Bigger Picture

I imagine myself running down the beach....

Free spirited...hair blowing in the breeze.......

My body is phenomenal...just how I always wanted....

I'm tan....I'm smiling....I am for the first time, happy with myself....
...............................................................................................................................................................

That was a dream I had the other night. A dream that included so many emotions in it, I was almost certain it was real. I dream practically all the time, but never with such strong emotion...I was a little stunned when I woke up. I wasn't sure where I was. I had just been on a beach, and now I was in a cold dark room...my bedroom.

I actually, in a way, despise those dreams. Not only do they take you a minute to gather yourself and make your mind realize that you were dreaming, but they also dismay you once you realize that your reality isn't at all like your dream.

But, at the same time, I love those dreams. They give you hope. They give you a sense of what you could have and/or be. They inspire you. Persuade you. They can utterly change you're view of something so much so that you just develop this urge to follow it....

I mean look at what Martin Luther King's dream inspired him to do....

Not that I need the persuasion to exercise....but that feeling I had. That feeling of complete happiness with MYSELF....that's what I want to have.

By the time I'm done with this training that's what I want to achieve. That feeling of happiness. That feeling of accomplishment. Knowing that I was able to make my body look like that....

That's what I want. What I strive for.

I would like to point out though, that in order for my dream to be complete, I have to grow my hair out, and get tan....so just two other things that have to happen before my dream is complete.

My ventures so far have been hard to say the least. I've exercised twice last week. Pitiful? Perhaps. But my muscles are not use to that kind of exertion yet. Which, is depressing because back when I was actively at it, I could do a full half hour of working out and go running without feeling any pain (this was after a full 2 weeks of working at it though).

When it comes to wanting to exercise, a lot of people say that there are no limitations to what you put your mind to....which in a sense is true. If you push yourself hard enough, there are no limitations...however you must also listen to your body. If it's too tired to be pushed any further, you could end up hurting yourself....which could in turn lead you to never want to work out again.

So, I just listened to my body, and relaxed it until I was able to walk without limping. Or lift my arm without searing pain running through it. Ugh.....

So this week, hopefully I'll be able to do a little bit more. Push myself a little bit harder...

While, some days I know it doesn't always seem worth the exercise your putting forth, it's important to always think of the bigger picture. How much you're helping yourself. Your health. And remembering that dream that you have of yourself. Of that happiness you'll have once you're there.

If you aren't happy with yourself....you have to think...what's holding you back?

Some inspiration, I recently read an article about a woman who lost her arms during a fire....she is now a female body builder. You can look it up if you want. But just think, if she can do it....why can't you?

Anyway, my stats for today:

Weight: 142 (so a bit of a jump from when I WAS exercising. Oh well....)

Endurance: Pretty terrible at this point

And my new added stat is...

Self Esteem: Low, but it's a work in progress. (This is more mental than physical. Hopefully becoming more active will help fix that).

Have a good week everyone!!

-Kala

I'm back!!!

Hello all,

So, everyone who doesn't have my facebook or twitter is probably wondering what on earth happened to me? Yes, I've been gone for awhile...

Honestly, I've gone back to this post about 3 or 4 times now...trying to bring myself to post it and actually stick to my word about working out again. I think I'm stable enough now to do so, but why was I away for so long?

Well, what I never told anyone on the blog was that my dad was suffering from cancer. Shortly after I started my blog, he just kept getting worse and worse. We found out it was terminal and that he had 3 weeks to live the day I made my last blog post awhile ago. I was very close to my dad, and it hurt. It hurt a lot more than I was willing to admit to anyone.

I stopped training. I literally went there every day to see my dad...and he slowly went downhill every time I saw him. He lived up to the 3 weeks the doctor had given him. 

He died in June, and I honestly couldn't bring myself to work out or even write a blog. He was such a huge supporter of me doing it and keeping up on this blog. I knew he read it because he would always comment on something from it the next time I saw him. Even now it's still hard to write....it sucks knowing I wont hear a comment from him again.....

To those who have ever lost someone so dear to them...I know how it feels. And to those who have yet to feel such pain, I almost envy you. I would wish this pain on no one.

But life goes on, whether we want it to or not.

I've become sort of unfit again. I've tried to stay up with it, but honestly it was like without my dad's physical motivation here to support me, I just couldn't find the will to do it.

But I know spiritually he's with me, watching me. And I know he would want me to get back on the horse and do it again. Especially if I wanted to. And truly I do. I loved the way I felt when I was getting fit and active. And of course, it sucks knowing I have to get up to that point all over again. But I'm ready for the challenge!

And if you're wondering if I ever went on my Zombie run??? Well I did!! And I was 'turned' into a Zombie. It stunk because it was right at the last minute too before I crossed the finish line. But oh well. It is what it is.

It was still loads of fun, and I would recommend it to anyone who wants to be active but yet still have a good time while doing it.

Anyway, as I start up my training again, I'll try and keep my blog updated every Friday.

But before I go, here are some pictures from my run! :)

BEFORE THE RACE

 AFTER THE RACE

"Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power."

-Blaine Lee

Have an awesome and productive rest of the week everyone!

-Kala

A little advice goes a long way

After my last, dismal post, I'm feeling much better about all my training.

And I have Lina, our foreign exchange student from Switzerland, to thank for that.

I had been complaining to her last weekend about running and about how I felt I wasn't accomplishing anything with my running. "It's just so hard" I kept saying. And she turned to me and said the simplest thing ever.

"If you really want to run, just do it."

For some reason, that's stuck with me. It's such a simple saying. "Just do it." I mean, it's Nike's logo. We see it everywhere. But thinking about it, it's one of the hardest things to do. Especially when it come's to exercising. We all want to do it. But actually just making ourselves do it, is the hardest part of all. It just all comes down to our motivation and want need I guess. And what we have to work for. For me, it's just wanting to do this run, and be able to say "I can do this."

But everyone has different reasons.

Anyway, I've been running almost everyday this week. And I find myself running farther and farther each time, wondering how my body is doing it. The first time I went running I thought I was about to die. My chest burned, my legs hurt...I seriously wondered how it was possible to do it. How do people run so far without just falling over?

This morning I went running, and I kept pushing myself, wondering why I wasn't loosing breath when just last week I found it hard to run a block without my chest catching on fire. However, I've been on a schedule to help keep up my running. I basically run a block, walk a block. Just to help build up my endurance. And it's worked. Now, for this week, I run two blocks, and walk a block. I run for about an hour, which when your running, never seems that long. I know I run at least a mile, which is only one part of the 5K I have to do. But I'm getting there.

That and I think the whole idea of zombies chasing after me will also help since it'll probably kick my adrenaline up.

I only have a month left till this race. And a month and a week left until the bike ride. And I couldn't be more excited. Hopefully, they both live up to the expectations I have for them. But I'm really not worried that they won't.

I've been checking the RunForYourLives  website on updates on the race and such. Since 2013 races have begun they have been putting up slow motion videos that have happened during the race. Below is just one of the examples. :)

 https://www.facebook.com/run.for.your.lives/app_57675755167

Anyway,

Endurance: Getting very good! :)

Weight: 136

Pant size: Same (Seriously, where am I losing this weight at? Oh well..)

Happy Training!

You can do it! I hope....

At some point I'm sure everyone reaches a point in their training where they wonder if they can even do it anymore...

I have reached that point.

Luckily, I have this blog to keep me going, because I don't want to lie. I don't want everyone who has been reading to suddenly be filled with disappointment because I gave up. To have those that I have hopefully inspired to suddenly quit too. No, I will keep going.

But the main, most utmost, and probably most important reason I will keep going is for myself. Which I believe should be every one's reason when exercising or training. There should be no "I'm doing it for others" or "I'm doing it so I can look good in a bikini". No. While those thing might help motivate you, you should ultimately do it for you. To know you CAN do it, if you just try.

Which, I DO know I can do it. And I want to do it to prove to myself that I can. That anything is possible. And I'm finding it is, but as the old saying goes "Nothing is easy, everything you want or have, you have to work for. And while it might not be easy, it'll be worth it."

Anyway, you might be wondering, "How did you reach that breaking point."

In all honesty my strength training has been going great! But running...UGH! I kick myself for not joining track in high school when I had the chance because I'm sure it would've helped me now. Running just kicks my butt. I always lose breath way too fast it seems. And then of course I end up most of the time doing a walk/run thing. I know I'll get there eventually as long as I keep trying, but unfortunately I have one of those minds set where I want it to happen NOW. And thus I get frustrated when the next time I run, I barely improve. Notice I said BARELY. I am improving. Which is the thing I should focus on.

I also have gotten in the habit of trying to ride my bike every chance I get when it's nice out. So far I've ridden at least 8 miles every time I've gone. And that's great for me because the first time I did it I thought I would be so warn out but I wasn't. So I just kept going. Right now the 8 miles is to and from my parents house. So I do have a set path. I'm hoping to go more soon. I have to if I want to do that LATE night ride this year in Chicago.

As far as the dieting goes, it's still pretty good! I'm eating a lot healthier. I have pop maybe once in a month, if I have any at all, which has greatly helped with the training. I think water might have become my best friend...

Ahh, friends. My friends and family have also been great supporters. Which always makes it easier when you  have that kind of support. Sort of makes you feel like you can do anything....

Anyway, I now weight 136. I usually look back at a past blog and see if I progressed, but we'll just leave it at that now.

Endurance level: Pretty good (minus running)

Pant size: 7-8 (Which is strange...I wonder where this weight is fading away to? It can leave my thighs anytime.

Me since I've been working out. 6 pounds lost! I can not tell the difference in all honesty. But I feel the difference.

 

 

 

And the motivation from this week from tumblr!

 

Happy Training! :)

The bad days and good days.

Well hello all,

So I could update you on how great my training has been going. But that would be lying through my teeth.

The honest truth?

I took a week off of training because I was sick and completely unmotivated, and I'm still trying to get back into my regular routine. With Mitchell being home, it makes it harder. I don't know if it's just me, but I hate working out in front of people.

^The above pretty much sums up what I feel like when I'm running, or exercising in general. Because I have it in my mind where I'm constantly changing my form on new moves to make sure its accurate...and I'm sure the first time I do a new move off the video, I look beyond silly. However, I still do it because I know I have to in order to do these runs and bike rides that I so desperately want to do.

Thankfully, my junk food intake is practically at a zero. I say practically because, I'm human and I have urges that I just can't control sometimes. Especially when it comes to like freshly made cake, or yummy donuts...I like donuts.....and candy.....ugh....darn urges. And, yes I could control them...I just choose not to.

But, I still feel better. I'm capable of running further than what I use to. And I have a bike thanks to my awesome brother and his wife! :) So, I'm all set to ride in the Late Night Ride in Chicago this year. Unfortunately I haven't had the chance to ride it this much due to the strange weather Indiana is having (seriously do states get bipolar disorder? I wonder about Indiana with this weather). Just to give a taste of what we have been having, it was 77 degrees yesterday with rain. Today, it is snowing outside with high of 37 right now. And more rain. So, biking/running haven't really been the most willing things I want to put myself through.

However, I will hit on this: We all have reason to run now. When I'm out training, and when I go to Knightsville to the Zombie Run, I will push myself even more. I will do it for the victims of the Boston Marathon. To die or get injured doing something you love, is unimaginable. I pray for those that we're effected by that horrific attack. I dont know why they attacked a race, of all places, but they did. And if they think that will hinder us...well they're wrong. If anything they have given me the power to push harder for those that got hurt. To support them. I hope to make a shirt that says "I run for Boston". Maybe people will take it the wrong way, maybe they wont. But other than just saying I'm praying for those victims affected by it, it's my way of showing support for them. That we haven't forgotten them.

One last thing I want to hit on before I go, is I think I found a new race to enter in. Of course not till next year, but it looks so awesome. I think I might need to train a lot more than what I am this year for the zombie race. I mean...you jump over fire in this one. CRAZY! It's called........The Spartan Race! Check it out!

http://www.spartanrace.com/